A few days ago, while I made my daily habitual perusal through the lives of my “friends” as expressed by way of their “update status” and other “news feed” announcements, I noticed that a “Friend” had posted a new album named for his new baby girl. I understand this to be his second child and how do I happen to know this? Well, because the same medium a few years ago also informed me of the birth of his first child – a son.
The medium then permitted me to unobtrusively browse through the 20 or so snapshots of this man’s life. I bore witness to intimate moments. One of him with his arm around his lovely wife and baby in the delivery room and he, of course is beaming with the pride and joy expected of a father of a growing and healthy family. Another shows his little boy bestowing a delicate kiss upon his new sister’s tiny forehead. Then, there were many others of family and friends welcoming their new bundle of joy.
I have known this “friend” for over 7 years, since we first met as engineering coop students. Thrown together by circumstance, we, along with a handful of other coop students bonded over 8 months worth of coffee breaks, lunches, and after-work bubble tea runs. I remember we’d indulge in the occasional gossip about one particular coop student in regards to his apparent gambling problem. The young addict on several occasions would show up to work in the same outfit as the previous work day and sheepishly admit to having spent the entire night at the casino. We would inquire about his winnings, and with a nonchalant chuckle, he might respond: “Ahhh...lost about $400 at poker, but it’s not a big deal if you just think of it as the cost of the entertainment.” I wonder where this fellow is now, and if he has grown out of his gambling habit.
As for the “friend” with the new kid, we haven’t seen or spoken to one another in person, nor on Facebook for that matter, for at least 3 or 4 years. The amicability developed from that 8 month work term years ago has since dissipated. In fact while I was viewing his photos, I noticed in myself, an evident absence of the fondness and excitement that should be accompanied by seeing a friend’s new child. Instead, some of my initial thoughts were “Whoa! Two kids already!”, which was followed by a quick spin of my mental Rolodeck to some other FB acquaintances that have also been categorized and labeled as “married, with kids.” Those fleeting comparisons were so subtle that I almost didn’t notice what had occurred. But being the pensive person that I am (not really), I’ve been chewing on this moment, and trying to make sense of how these daily, socially-condoned, yet none-the-less voyeuristic activities might affect me and others alike.
Being a female in my late twenties, and living in a relatively socially conservative city, where people seem to marry rather young, no matter how independent, progressively minded, and professionally developed one is, one can still be sometimes sensitive to the fact that one has not yet reached certain pivotal personal milestones. (Side Note: I've heard the average age of first marriage in Canada is about 30 for women, but I'd say the average among my friends is more like 25. One time I even heard someone joke that this province’s motto should be “Alberta: The place where everyone finds their one true love by age twenty-one). Anyways, over the past decade, I have grown well accustomed to close friends getting engaged, hitched and having babies; and it has been an honor and pleasure to have shared in the joy of their entry into new life stages. Truth be told, there have been times when I’ve experienced jealousy. But because they are your friends and people that you care about, you know you need to get over those unhealthy pangs of self-centeredness or envy, and just be happy for them.
But most would agree that Facebook friends are certainly not all real life friends, especially if your friends number in excess of 500. Thus, when you are greeted with new engagement/wedding/baby album on a weekly basis, it in essence transforms into a personalized demographic survey that may very well serve to reinforce the insecurities and fears that are typical for single women around my age and older.
I would hypothesize that the impact from some of these Facebook album browsing events on a woman’s satisfaction on their life and personal accomplishments are akin to the impact that reading main stream women’s magazines has on a woman’s body image. The difference is at least with the magazine models, the readers know that the hyper-attractive, uber glam images before them are not real. We all know they have been professionally airbrushed and stylized for the sake of marketing and to spur on materialistic hedonism. But the images on Facebook are real; and in near real time, they too are intentionally and inadvertently, consciously and subconsciously marketing to us the lifestyles and activities of individuals who happen to be on our friend list. Among its many uses, Facebook is a very powerful peer-to-peer lifestyle advertising platform, and therefore we should be mindful of how its use may subliminally contribute to our sense of contentment.
A few months ago, a female friend of my made another interesting observation when she complained to me: “Okay, I don’t get it. How come whenever someone announces on Facebook that they’re getting married or having a baby or their baby just did/said something cute. They immediately get a million comments? But when my update status says I’m going to Africa for a month or I’m about to get another degree, I get like… 4 comments?” She goes to say, “Aren’t weddings and babies are so typical – how come I don’t get any recognition for doing things that are unique?” I nodded in agreement. It is true. One does not get as much acknowledgement for being “different” on Facebook (although hilarity is generously acknowledged), and I’d say it is a matter of relateability and relevance. Almost everyone gets married and raise kids. Thus they can better relate to and be reciprocative (on Facebook) to others who are expressive of the day-to-day delights and tribulations involved with it.
Now being a graduate student, you may think what you’re working on is the most fascinating, socially/scientifically/economically relevant topic in the whole wide world. Your friends, classmates and family members might regularly “Like” your mention of recent academic accomplishments. A few may provide online edification of your latest update on how you're about to head off to yet another conference in yet another exotic locale (London/Istanbul/Rio). But you simply can't expect the same level of affirmation as updates about wedding anniversaries, potty training, cookie baking, sleepless nights and croupy coughs. So, to my dear grad student friends, just keep your expectations low next time you excitedly announce that you’ve won a $25,000 grant to study the impact of intervention ABC on the problem of XYZ in the country of Kulalamuzerpherstan.
Oh Facebook, in spite of all the grievances that I’ve uttered against you, I still <3 you!
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